Disassociation

It's an odd feeling when you're sitting there, you're okay, things are fine. You're listening to friends playing games, or just derping about, and the world is as it should be, that is to say, okay in that moment. Suddenly you feel a supreme disconnect. Things go grey, color seems to leech out of everything and in the blink of eye, you feel more like a machine, sitting there just existing. You're not emotionally tied to anything happening and you feel like you're watching everything behind a glass wall.

I think the it just happened to me. I've spent the last 2 (and a half?) hours laying in bed, thinking about this. Thinking about how I feel (or the lack of feeling I suppose,) and wondering why I just became a machine. I'm genuinely not concerned about anything, I don't have any kind of emotion to speak of floating around in my head. Now before I go too far into this, it's not depression. That is a very real thing I deal with and something I'm well versed in dealing with, it is however possible that this is a byproduct of having dealt with depression before.

When I emotionally disassociate from myself, it feels very much like something in me has just all together shut off. The vast majority of the machinery is just firing away, processes are taking place, things are getting done, but there's no one there at the control panel to make it all happen. The worker... stepped away. It's like my emotional side and my brain function independently from one another and a thick glass wall has, for whatever reason, separated them.

After the fact, it really does bother the hell out of me that I do it. It doesn't feel right that I do this. I know that I can't help it, I know that it's some kind of a defense mechanism that, if I'm honestly dwelling on, I don't want to let it go because it is useful. I just don't like the descent into this logic driven beast of a man. The image in my head right now is a man, screaming at a mirror, but the mirror is just staring blankly back at him.

I know with a little bit of time, I'll come out of this and be right as rain, but in the interim, I'm just kind of useless to everyone around me. More so, it's difficult when someone who I care very deeply for comes to me to ask if I'm okay. I've lost something at that point and not even noticed it myself when she can tell something is off with me right away just in the way I say goodbye for the evening. I don't like to make people worry about me so it's kind of a punch in the gut when it happens. Bless her, I don't want her to read this and think that I don't want her to call me out on something like this, I very much appreciate it in fact because it gave me the desire to really start trying to figure this out in the last hour.

A giant pane of glass is all that's separating me from myself and it's just such a frustrating thing to deal with that, I would like to scream, but the greater part of my brain knows it's a futile effort and it doesn't mean anything. It's literally a fight of "what's the point?"

I'm gonna stop this here and go sit out on the deck or something, watch the stars (if that's possible at the moment) maybe take in the heat wave we're under for a bit, perhaps reset my bodies thermostat so 70 degrees feels like it should.

If you read this, thank you and good night.