Painful Memories

Hiding behind cheerful eyes,
a heart locked in chains,
made from logic's chilled lies.

I've tried to repeal the mind's bitter law,
to heal the pain and force a thaw.

Waves of torment cascade from the past,
 oceans of pain, so ancient and vast.

I want to grow, to break down these walls
to run far away from these ancient pained halls.


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This is something that I've been sitting on for a while. I hadn't found quite the spark to finish it and just randomly opened it up today because I wanted to post SOMETHING, but really it doesn't matter because I don't hold up any kind of schedule for writing. I wanted to get back to writing something... artistic, creative, I don't know. I honestly think it just draws eyes to the fact I'm a bit of a mess internally, but I find that's okay. I did find a journal the other day that I've been thinking about long form writing in for whatever reason. Either just to have with me everywhere I go or some place to write down thoughts, ideas, recipe ideas? A junk book, if one so wishes to call it. I'd like to have something like that with me everywhere, since I can't always be connected to this beautiful place known as "The Internet".

I think perhaps it's good thing though, that I don't have the ability to be on the internet always. Seems like a pretty bad place to lose ones time, and I mean sure, meaningful things can come from these interactions, from the strands of web we tread across in our ever expanding exploration of what could be the worlds greatest resource for knowledge and information, but none of it matters all that much, does it? Friends seem to come and go so rapidly, it's like a morning mist being lifted by the rays of a dawning sun. I'm finding that the people we can hold on to, that we can sink our "hooks" into are far more real. It's those people who I find myself so very in-debt to, because for as little as it seems to be a big deal that one hangs out, or one cares, or someone just... appreciates your company, those sorts of things do mean something on a grand scale, at least I find that they do to me.

None of that means necessarily that the relationships on the internet that I've found aren't real. In fact it's many of those people that I owe a small something too, but it seems that things happen, or people get busy, or life throws obstacles at them, and they disappear. This happens, I get that. I don't hold anything against those people, and in fact I've gone out of my way to make people disappear from time to time because of the toxicity of their being around me, but as someone who deals with a voice that wants to sabotage most things, a voice that causes discord in my own soul, that pierces my happy thoughts to plant seeds of paranoia (that logic usually always wins out over,) it gets very hard to be at peace with when certain changes happen...

In fact change is a hard thing for me to deal with and it really flips things upside down and makes me uncomfortable. The easiest way to really explain it is that you're a person who doesn't go out on boats much, alright, with me so far? Hard to deal with walking across a churning, roiling boat, but add to that choppy water! Might as well stay in your seat and just enjoy the ride as best you can if at all possible. Eventually you'll gain your sea legs and the water will settle, but it's going to take time. This is essentially what it is for me, and I feel like I might want to get sick because of change, but usually things turn out.

I'm gonna end this post now because I feel like I've rambled on long enough. Whoever you are, if you're reading this. You're amazing, you're wonderful, and I hope you have an amazing day today, tomorrow, and every day after. This world is better because you exist. <3