It's been some time since my last post. Not for a lack of wanting to, just because life has been somewhat busy. There's been good, there's been bad, and there's been the in between. I've come to terms with emotions that I had and faced a self imposed reckoning of sorts. I've given my time to figure out that I did indeed hit "rock bottom" in a sense and was ready to let go of everything in a vast need to just let go of the world.
To begin, I started working out and trying to take better care of myself. There comes a time where you face a reality and horror sets in. Little things you took for granted seem somewhat more far away and distant accomplishments feel like they're not going to happen especially being that I could end up dead at an early age for a lack of taking care of myself. This all set in because I realized one of the greatest things in my life are my friends twins; getting to see the girls grow up and do things with their lives is a huge deal for me right now and a driving force for this change. Tears, anger, a need to beat myself up about it, well, it was all there in the back of my head and it finally got to the foreground.
So I started that journey at the massive ballooned weight of 411 and have managed to dump about 25 lbs since I got going I think six weeks ago now. I was doing a mixture of things and to date I've picked up and kept to running on an elliptical. Honestly it sucks and it's exciting at the same time but here we are, going four days a week to try and stay consistent! I should be trying five days a week but with work only being open till Friday evening, it makes it difficult. I shouldn't complain as I already feel somewhat better, dropping what amounts to a little over 5% of my body weight in 5 weeks. I'm also doing Yoga which has been different to say the least! I do enjoy the little things the yoga is doing for me though. I feel my body is a bit more limber and ready to go in a sense. Being able to stretch things out has been great too, being able to see changes in my arms and feel like my legs are changing too has been wonderful. The main thing is trying to figure out my eating, which admittedly hasn't been the best over the last week, but it's more about making small changes and eating what feels right, rather than pigging out as I was. Did you know that sitting down with a bag of Hershey's nuggets and not paying attention is equivalent to eating 1600 calories? That is nearly a full day of eating for the average adult, and I was killing myself bit by bit doing that sort of thing. Mindfulness goes a LONG way it would appear.
Beyond that, I've been spending some time figuring out who I am and what I want. Setting little goals for myself to achieve and build upon for the matter of improving myself. I've begun working with my money and not just throwing it away here and there, spending it on silly things or just breaking the bank. I'm trying to take baby steps in order to achieve bigger better goals as I figure out what I'd like. I'm also trying to figure out my convictions and what I need to try and keep close to me, what's really important and the things that mean the most to me. Has that been easy? Not so much! I don't really know where to start with the search. I can identify a couple little things, but it's a slow road of discovery for some reason, maybe because I see other people who seem to have some semblance of "having it together;" they know what they want.
I think the most frustrating thing is having emotions pop up randomly and not really knowing how to deal with them effectively, honestly. Without going into too much detail, I've learned how to put some of them down and just gradually separate myself from them. It's silly, but that's really what I have. I can acknowledge them and move on now and I think that's beneficial in it's own way too! Some people might disagree with me, but I'm finding that it's important to really take a moment to listen to your brain and your heart and find out which one is most correct, it's difficult sometimes, but cold logic can sometimes point out what I really need and I think that's a blessing more often than anything, just taking that third party part of my brain into consideration, like if someone gives us advice :D
All and all, I think it's been a rather interesting thing to try and learn all the little things I'm forcing on myself, but I think too that it's given me a lot to focus on and I think that it's a good thing! The unfortunate side effect of this all happening is that I don't have all the time I would like in order to play and finish games. I mean really I could just learn how to manage my time better, ya know? Who has time for that though? Really though, I'll just take time here and there to hammer out this and that game; "Slow and steady wins the race!"
If I'm frank, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm reaching around in the darkness and trying so hard to just be a decent human being while figuring out all this overwhelming and stupid stuff because honestly I'm lost and I'm trying to keep things straight in my head. I'm trying to form better habits and I'm working on making things stick. I'm trying not to break myself down like I'm apt to do and instead motivate myself like I would a friend. More "Keep going, you can do it!" instead of "Move it asshole!" I'm trying to be more forgiving with myself too. I'm human, I'll make mistakes, but I need to keep in mind that I can bounce back from any weak day and instead push myself to be better the next day. I've been so strong in the past for other people when they need me and I never learned to be strong for myself, it's a really shameful thing, kind of scary too, ya know?
I guess in retrospect and without much else to say for the evening (it's late as I'm finishing this. I think it's 3 AM at this point.) But I want to leave off with a thought: If we went out of our way to smile at a person, to help someone, to give a kind word, at least once a day, it goes a long way toward making another life even just a sliver better, so don't be afraid to show someone else some kindness. To further that, you deserve kindness from yourself too and I think that's an important lesson that some of us lose sight of, I know I did. It's been a hard learning phase in that regard as I haven't had much compassion for myself. So in summary; be kind to others and be kind to yourself, all it takes is a smile to start.
Edit:
P.S. Happy New Year!
:) ~ Eric
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