It's been a while!
I've been thinking about getting back into blogging (or more over, just writing my thoughts down somewhere,) and I think I may just re-use this blog for the time being. I'm honestly surprised I was able to access it again. I'm just gonna keep to what I assume was younger Cire's primary objective (5 minutes after publishing this, I checked. This next bit wasn't my primary goal to some degree, but oh well. [Cire, 4/15/18, 3:17PM]) That is to say, just get my feelings and emotions down maybe? Maybe that wasn't my main reasoning back in the day, but regardless of that, I've decided I wanted to start writing things down.
A lot of weird self discovering and evolution has gone on recently. Between cutting ties with people and just trying to move myself into a better frame of mind, trying to clean up everything that could be bothering me, it can be difficult to really find a quiet, peaceful moment to work everything out. I've been reflecting on a lot of things lately, re-assessing my values (that which I hold to be important anyway) and I find that my life tends to be more in balance if I'm a proactive person. Making sure fires can't happen as opposed to having to spend my time putting them out, but as with everything, it's a difficult transition to go from reactive to proactive when you've been the one for so long.
I'm 30 now, versus me at 24 and there's certainly been room for growth in there somewhere and as I'm sitting here now, I've come to realize a great many things and by that notion, I've become more wise. I've learned from issues in the past and I've learned what I do and don't like. I've learned that I should avoid people who present certain qualities to me. Fake people, over dramatic people, folks who can't help themselves or choose not to listen to the advice of others when they ask for it (In so much that they just outright disregard it, stop, think about it, consider what you've been told.) In general "Shady Shit".
One of my new favorite authors wrote
“There is a simple realization from which all personal improvement
and growth emerges. This is the realization that we, individually, are
responsible for everything in our lives, no matter the external
circumstances. We don’t always control what happens to us. But we always
control how we interpret what happens to us, as well as how we respond.
Whether we consciously recognize it or not, we are always responsible
for our experiences. It’s impossible not to be. Choosing to not
consciously interpret events in our lives is still an interpretation of
the events of our lives. Choosing”- Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counter intuitive Approach to Living a Good Life. I've found that in my own experience, I don't grow unless I deal with some trauma or issue. Through this growth, or at least what I perceive as growth, I want to begin writing again. Jotting down thoughts here in a blog, venting in my own way. If people want to read that, fantastic! If not, that's okay too, because this is in essence my personal place.
Now I know what you or someone else might be thinking! "I don't grow that way" OR you could of gone the other way in that "This, isn't really a private place, you should be careful what you put on here." To the former I say this: We aren't the same person and through that, whatever your method, grow, flourish, blossom, and become the best version of yourself you know you can be!
To that latter thought I say this: Fuck that noise! I'll put whatever the hell I want on here. This is my home and I'll put whatever I damn well please in it. Colors might clash! Designs might not work together! In one statement I could be Bohemian, in the next I could be throwing Industrial everywhere, then by tea time, I'm settling into Urban Modern notions and designs. What does this mean? In the greater context, it's really just a warning, but if you feel that my views aren't in line with yours, we can certainly settle in and discuss it!
I'm having a hard time getting the creative juice flowing and I think it's partly because in the back of my head I have this voice that says "Why are you bothering? No one will read it." Given, I've had two people ask about it already, so I'm not sure what that little shit [voice] is doing there, and in that, I've found yet another understanding. Six years ago, I never would of understood that thing there and even though I have a better handle on that, sometimes that little, poisonous person still wins out over me. I think there a HUGE victory in knowing that it's there though and knowing that in the end I can and do sometimes beat it down and go on with the things I want to do.
It's been insanely nice to just sit here with music playing in my background and just write this little piece, this not so flowery introduction. It's nice to really have my own personal forum that maybe others can find some light [understanding] in. I want you... yes YOU to read this and maybe you take nothing from it, but my hope is that you reflect a little and start finding the means to grow a little bit too! It can be a painful, uncomfortable process, but sometimes it's something we need to do, and you know what? It's okay for it to suck, it's okay for it to hurt, growing pains are a thing! You may cry, you could realize something about a friend or loved one, you could resent someone briefly in your moments of reflection!
To that I pose this idea: With anger, with resentment, with the pain that you deal with, take a breath, take multiple breaths even, and as you let them out, push out those dark feelings, envision it leaving you with each breath. The growth comes with learning from the things that put that darkness into you. "This person did X to me, I should avoid being around that person because they make me feel Y." and that is absolutely okay! YOU need to do what you feel is best and sometimes I stumble, but in the end, as long as I'm doing what I feel is in my best interest, it's okay. (That comes with this caveat, that I'm very much a live and let live kind of person. If I'm not hurting anyone, and no ones hurting me or others, it's all good!)
I think I'll wrap this up here because I would really like to go do something for a little bit, maybe read, maybe play a game, maybe just sit and enjoy some peace with a friend. It doesn't matter as long as it quiets things down for a little bit and I can just... breathe.
